Dear Dr. Diva,

I have been married 8 years. We have 2 young children and we both work. It seems as though our whole lives revolve around eating, cleaning and sleeping. To get right to the point, we almost never have sex anymore. I know that we are both exhausted, but it seems as though my husband doesn’t even look at me like that anymore. Dr. Diva, what do I do?

Thanks in advance, 

Mrs. Invisible

Dear Mrs. Invisible,

Dr. Diva feels your pain. This is usually where Dear Abby will tell you to get your hair done, go buy a new dress and plan a fabulous romantic evening, just the two of you.

Well, I’m not Dear Abby. That is crap and this is why: This isn’t about Friday night out dinner and dancing followed by passionate lovemaking. These days, assuming you aren’t paralyzed by the pressure of it all, you’ll poop out by 10:30 and wake up the next day with credit card debt for your sexy new dress, bloated from salty appetizers, a hangover, since you hardly ever drink anymore, and even after all that --- no hot, sweaty, monkey sex to show for it.

Dr. Diva says stop. And take a deep breath. You don’t want to dance the night away, you just want your husband to want you and show it. Or maybe you just want to get laid, either way; this isn’t a one time fix. This is a lifestyle change.

First of all, forget about him, how do YOU look at you these days? Have you decided that being a mom means that you don’t need to look cute anymore? Do you look like those moms who cluster together as they wait for the school bell to ring and their grubby little kids to emerge... decked out in baggy sweats with greasy hair pulled back in an old scrunchy... stopping at Burger King on the way home from school? Gross. I wouldn't fuck you either.

Just because those other moms are letting themselves go, does not mean you have to. If they all jumped off a bridge, would you do that too?

When I was in grad school, I decided that I was smart and I didn’t need to look cute. Which is true, no one needs to look cute. I devoted all of my time to my studies and my kids. Chunky, bad hair, pale skin, no make-up. I remember wearing a lot of vests. No one needs to look cute, but if I hoped to get laid now and then, something had to change.

Most moms I know don’t spend their money on designer shoes; they spend their money on Fisher Price toys and carpet cleaning. They feel guilty for spending money on themselves, especially if it seems vain or frivolous – it isn’t and they shouldn’t.

Take some of that investment in your family and invest back in you. Decide to pay yourself in time and money. Naps, walks, new outfits, department store make–up counters, mani-pedis, lingerie, sex toys...

Make your health, beauty and sexuality priorities in whatever way works for you, as long as it is not a one time thing. Investing in you – your self-image, your happiness, and your sexuality is an investment in your marriage and therefore your family – It isn’t selfish or vain!

Once you get your groove back on, making the time for sex gets much easier. He’ll notice you. He’ll notice other men noticing you, which will make him eager to mark his territory. Forget about Friday night, instead try Saturday morning. That first time you begin to wake up, rather than return to dreamland (morning dreams are always creepy anyway), back that ass up against him. Dry hump until desired results are achieved. No babysitters, no pressure, and no one even has to get on top if they don’t want to.

Let me know how it goes…in detail…slowly.

Your friend,

Dr. Diva